Friendships

In my many years of life I have come to the unfortunate realization that people are rarely what they seem. Ok, so it could be me. I could set expectations unrealistically high so I will always be disappointed, no matter how great of a person they really are. But I don’t think that’s it. I think there are a lot of factors that misconstrue my perceptions but that will have to be a separate blog.

I’ve had the “opportunity” recently to phase out, if you will, a few of my so called friends. It’s always a painful process; I consider my friends very valuable and hate to lose any. But time changes things. Some friends just drift out of touch; others act in ways that show their true character, and some change into people you no longer know.

One friend I had for a very long time and I knew their tendencies all along. But our relationship got to the point of exasperation when I was able to step back and see what a drain it was on me. (A friendship should be something both parties contribute to equally.) They were just so needy and consuming. When it was convenient for them they wanted to hang out with me, but only when it was convenient. The rest of the time was commitment to activities with no follow through, and frankly, that gets old real quick. With blatant disregard for my well being, they pursued their own ambitions. And there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with that, except that that is not what a friend of mine would do. So I do not call that person a friend anymore.

Another friend I’ve only known for a short time. Length of time is not as good of measure when you consider quality of time spent and the quantity of time shared. But it was among a convoluted web of miscommunications that our friendship spun off into almost nothingness. Acquaintance is a better word for us now. Some experiences change perceptions beyond repair.

A different long-time friend decided to phase me out of their life. Looking back on our years together it makes me sad. And it makes me wonder if I could have done something differently. Are we really that different now or do we just not care as much? I considered us great friends but as time continued, we communicated less and eventually had no idea what was going on in the other’s life. Maybe it wasn’t intentional but it’s changed who we are to each other.

Like I said before, losing a friend is not ideal. So what’s to blame? I’d say time changes people and what once drew you together in friendship can get lost with time. Also, you need to consider your state of being within a friendship. If it brings you down more than lifts you up, that is a good sign that you are not really in a friendship. You have to be intentional in your friendships. They take work and interest and honesty.

Sculptures (p)

Sculptures
03.29.2000

Why does everyone wish to change me, do I look like a lump of clay?

A formless piece of something cold to sculpt and mold away?

Why can’t I just be left alone to wallow in this selfish state?

You’ve shown that the person in me is the person that I hate.

So as you gaze upon me, your perfect piece of art;

Consider that I’m not yours if you don’t own my heart.

Red Flags

Ah, dating, what fun! Ok, not so much. But with every failed relationship comes some understanding and enlightenment (I mean besides the frustration and tears…). Here are some red flags I’ve come to recognize in my joyous journey of dating:

Red Flag # 1

Emphasis on physical appearance -> superficial. I am not saying there is no value in having good chemistry with someone. It’s important to feel attraction to the person you are with but I think that is a much less vital component than so many other things.

Red Flag # 2

Criticism. In and of itself is not a bad thing. But it’s good to be aware that criticism may be the tip of the iceberg. I’ve heard a common stereotype that women often want a man they can ‘fix up,’ that because of our nature we are compelled to change the one we are with. But I don’t think it should be limited by gender. Lately I’ve picked up on not-so-subtle hints form the opposite sex, on numerous occasions, alluding to the idea that I need to change something about myself. Whether it’s a physical modification, emotional, or even beliefs, I find it irritating. I am well aware that I am far from perfect, but I don’t need a man who will nit-pick at my flaws, to point them out and rub them in my face. Or even one who expresses their preferences as if I’m supposed to change who I am to fit their mold. What ever happened to acceptance?

Red Flag # 3

Friends and family. If all his friends are like seven years younger than him, there might be a reason for it. It could be simply his environment or maybe it’s something different, like the fact that he’s immature. Family relations are significant as well. I’m close to my family and value them, so it’s not a good sign when a guy I’m dating has no relationship (or an unhealthy relationship) with his family. This is a hard one to call because there are so many other factors that play into ones history.

Red Flag # 4

Listening and respecting. I suppose these could be two separate essays alone but for the purpose of this blog they’ll be lumped together. Maybe I should just say communication, it’s so important in a relationship (any relationship). And there’s little worse than feeling like you aren’t being listened to. Respect goes hand in hand with this. You can’t respect someone’s wishes if you aren’t listening to what they are. If you feel like you aren’t being listened to, you communicate your feelings and there is no change of behavior on your partner’s part, red flag.

Now, I’ve got a lot more flags than this, but these are the handful that have been on my mind lately. What it comes down to is compatibility. And like I’ve said before, I’m not content to settle for less.