The Problem with Nice Guys

In considering the topic of 'nice guys finish last' I came across a veritable gold mine of jaded men writing articles about how nice guys always get the shaft. One article actually asked "if nice guys are what women really want, then why is it that most nice guys are single?" Well, Alec, I've got an answer for you: about 78% of guys would classify themselves as "nice." Reality, on the other hand, is that 10% of those same men are, in fact, nice guys. So, in essence, nice guys (single nice guys, that is) almost don't exist. Just because you claim to be a nice guy, does not necessarily make you a nice guy. Perception and reality are not always in sync.

It is not the fact that someone is a nice guy that is the problem nor is it a deterrent to my feelings. The problem is that most of the supposed nice guys that I've met have some other major character flaw that negates the nice factor. Men are quick to blame their singleness on the fact that women only want to date jerks. But to face the truth, to honestly see what your flaws are, is a much more difficult thing to do. (I'm not suggesting that I'm perfect, I'm certainly not. But I am realistic about it. I know where my deficiencies are and am not looking to blame someone else for them. I'd rather think about fixing them.)

I will admit that I have been attracted to an occasional bad-boy and have dated a jerk or two in my day. But attraction to them is a very different thing than having a relationship with them. Bad boys are alright for a fling and the occasional adventure, but that's about it. For a real relationship I do want a nice guy. But a nice guy that fits what I'm looking for.

Also, in my reading I found the statement, "men realize that most women generally don't know what they want from us." Maybe nine years ago when I was in high school I would have been able to agree with this perspective. But now I can say that that is a bunch of crap. Of course, I can only speak from my own perspective, and this attempted shift of blame is ridiculous. I personally know exactly what I'm looking for in a man, and I certainly know what I want from him.

I guess what I’m trying to say in all of this is that I don’t believe the whole nice guys finish last myth.

A Lesson Learned

4 hours and 80 miles later I was no closer to where I wanted to be. In fact, I was further from it than I’d been in a long time. I was insulted, exhausted, angry that I had wasted time and money, irritated that all my good intentions and attempts were in vain, and pissed that the only one who could see it that way was me. (I’m not going to go into ranting details of my adventure, not to protect the innocent, but to spare my readers.) I’ve resigned myself to admitting that it’s no more than a lesson learned. Thought it’s a hard lesson for me to really get, I think this is finally it.

At work we have accounts called write-offs for different things like bad debt and charity. This allows you to track how the account is trending and use that information to calculate projected numbers. It’s valuable information. I think I am going to start my own write-off accounts. This experience will now be classified as a bad debt write-off. I can revisit this data when contemplating being helpful to this ‘friend’ again. I don’t subscribe to ‘forgive and forget’ because forgetting leaves you vulnerable to the same injury. In time, I’ll forgive. And with even more time, I’ll get even. ;)

I’ve been thinking about it a lot and the only moral of the story I can come up with is that I need to stop going out of my way for people who don’t appreciate it. So my question, is appreciation really too much to ask when you do something nice for someone else? Am I unrealistically demanding?

With all the lessons I’m learning these days I’m going to be a fountain of knowledge some day soon.

The Fray had it right when they sang, “where did I go wrong, I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness and I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life.”