Friendships
In my many years of life I have come to the unfortunate realization that people are rarely what they seem. Ok, so it could be me. I could set expectations unrealistically high so I will always be disappointed, no matter how great of a person they really are. But I don’t think that’s it. I think there are a lot of factors that misconstrue my perceptions but that will have to be a separate blog.
I’ve had the “opportunity” recently to phase out, if you will, a few of my so called friends. It’s always a painful process; I consider my friends very valuable and hate to lose any. But time changes things. Some friends just drift out of touch; others act in ways that show their true character, and some change into people you no longer know.
One friend I had for a very long time and I knew their tendencies all along. But our relationship got to the point of exasperation when I was able to step back and see what a drain it was on me. (A friendship should be something both parties contribute to equally.) They were just so needy and consuming. When it was convenient for them they wanted to hang out with me, but only when it was convenient. The rest of the time was commitment to activities with no follow through, and frankly, that gets old real quick. With blatant disregard for my well being, they pursued their own ambitions. And there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with that, except that that is not what a friend of mine would do. So I do not call that person a friend anymore.
Another friend I’ve only known for a short time. Length of time is not as good of measure when you consider quality of time spent and the quantity of time shared. But it was among a convoluted web of miscommunications that our friendship spun off into almost nothingness. Acquaintance is a better word for us now. Some experiences change perceptions beyond repair.
A different long-time friend decided to phase me out of their life. Looking back on our years together it makes me sad. And it makes me wonder if I could have done something differently. Are we really that different now or do we just not care as much? I considered us great friends but as time continued, we communicated less and eventually had no idea what was going on in the other’s life. Maybe it wasn’t intentional but it’s changed who we are to each other.
Like I said before, losing a friend is not ideal. So what’s to blame? I’d say time changes people and what once drew you together in friendship can get lost with time. Also, you need to consider your state of being within a friendship. If it brings you down more than lifts you up, that is a good sign that you are not really in a friendship. You have to be intentional in your friendships. They take work and interest and honesty.
posted by Priscilla @ 6:06 PM
4 Comments:
Friendships, like any other relationship, take work. Let's face it. As you say, you just have to evaluate if the amount of work involved in being a good friend is being reciprocated. If the answer is no, then sometimes you do have to remove people.
Perceptions are a tricky thing. They're rarely right at all. It's the whole "rose-colored glasses" syndrome. A good example is found in I Samuel 16:7. Samuel is looking for the next king of Israel. He sees Jesse's eldest son and sees a strapping, handsome, strong young man and believes him to be the one he came for. The Lord gently rebukes His servant: "Don't judge by appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn't see things the way you see them. People Judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart." Your perceptions are usually wrong. It is only after you put in the time to actually get to know a person that you will begin to see the real them. We're all on our best behavior at first, but that can't last forever.
Finally, I'll leave you with this thought to build on your closing of "interest and honesty." You're quite right, those things are important. I would posit that the most important thing, though, is trust. Trust has to be at the core of any relationship, be it friendship or otherwise. If you can't trust the person you're friends with, you won't really find that much that interests you about them and, while you might desire to be honest with them, you don't trust that they'll honor your honesty. The worst possible thing, to me, is to have trust and then have it betrayed. I've oft compared it to adultery, because in my mind that's really what adultery is, the betrayal of someone's trust. Unfortunately it's something that we all go through, even when you think you know a person, and those are the "friendships" that you can do without.
But if you never take the chance that you might get hurt, you'll find yourself quite lonely. The best thing you can do is to take a chance and trust a friend, and encourage them to trust you, because once that trust is established, not only will you not be lonely, you'll be quite happy as well.
As an old friend who has fallen away, let me say that nothing is permanent. I think the best we can ask out of life on this planet are moments of unrepeatable happiness. I've been in friendships that became mired in what had been great experiences and we were stuck trying fruitlessly to recreate them. Enjoy the good times and move on. If we accept that this isn't our home, the environment for which we were designed (as one writer put it, we are sea lions living in the desert), then we should accept that happiness is transient. Now if you can have differet transcendantly good moments again with the same person, that's the best.
On a lighter note, when I fist started blogging, this is the template that I used. Terribly mysterious. Also, I notice your poem was from six years ago. Do you still write much? I confess that I don't get around to being creative without due dates.
Now to go teach a class while standing on one leg . . .
Of course, in the end, one needs to do what one has to do in order to keep themselves sane and emotionally alive, but at the same time, what kind of friends are we if we bail on friends once the going gets tough?
I agree with Todd, one of the most vital components to any relationship is trust. And I think Scott makes a good point too, be happy with the friendships you have. But since relationships take work its dangerous to say you should just accept the relationship for what it is. That's almost a cop out. For the last comment, I'm certainly not saying to bail when the going gets tough. You need to be aware of how the relationship is affecting you as an individual. Sometimes a relationship is not worth compromising things you believe.
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