Red Flags
Ah, dating, what fun! Ok, not so much. But with every failed relationship comes some understanding and enlightenment (I mean besides the frustration and tears…). Here are some red flags I’ve come to recognize in my joyous journey of dating:
Red Flag # 1
Emphasis on physical appearance -> superficial. I am not saying there is no value in having good chemistry with someone. It’s important to feel attraction to the person you are with but I think that is a much less vital component than so many other things.
Red Flag # 2
Criticism. In and of itself is not a bad thing. But it’s good to be aware that criticism may be the tip of the iceberg. I’ve heard a common stereotype that women often want a man they can ‘fix up,’ that because of our nature we are compelled to change the one we are with. But I don’t think it should be limited by gender. Lately I’ve picked up on not-so-subtle hints form the opposite sex, on numerous occasions, alluding to the idea that I need to change something about myself. Whether it’s a physical modification, emotional, or even beliefs, I find it irritating. I am well aware that I am far from perfect, but I don’t need a man who will nit-pick at my flaws, to point them out and rub them in my face. Or even one who expresses their preferences as if I’m supposed to change who I am to fit their mold. What ever happened to acceptance?
Red Flag # 3
Friends and family. If all his friends are like seven years younger than him, there might be a reason for it. It could be simply his environment or maybe it’s something different, like the fact that he’s immature. Family relations are significant as well. I’m close to my family and value them, so it’s not a good sign when a guy I’m dating has no relationship (or an unhealthy relationship) with his family. This is a hard one to call because there are so many other factors that play into ones history.
Red Flag # 4
Listening and respecting. I suppose these could be two separate essays alone but for the purpose of this blog they’ll be lumped together. Maybe I should just say communication, it’s so important in a relationship (any relationship). And there’s little worse than feeling like you aren’t being listened to. Respect goes hand in hand with this. You can’t respect someone’s wishes if you aren’t listening to what they are. If you feel like you aren’t being listened to, you communicate your feelings and there is no change of behavior on your partner’s part, red flag.
Now, I’ve got a lot more flags than this, but these are the handful that have been on my mind lately. What it comes down to is compatibility. And like I’ve said before, I’m not content to settle for less.
posted by Priscilla @ 5:16 PM
2 Comments:
Okay, a detailed blog requires a detailed response:
Red Flag #1: Beauty fades over time. It's inevitable. Love isn't about what's on the outside, it can't be. If you truly value the person you're with, you'll love the person not the looks. Everyone has flaws, even the hottest supermodel, but love allows you to overlook those flaws because none of us are perfect.
Red Flag # 2: You can't change people, period. If you think you have to change the person you're with, you're not with the right person. The idea is to love each other in spite of our faults. This isn't to say that we can't change some habits (both members in a relationship have bad habits, let's face it) but by this point in life people's character and personality are fully formed, and the harder you try and change (or "fix") the person you're with, the more frustrated you'll become.
Red Flag # 3: You can tell the type of person you're with by the caliber of his/her friends. If your interest has surrounded him/herself with smart, intelligent, kind people, that's the kind of people they enjoy being around (and if you like the same people, then you know you've got something to consider). If they surround themselves by immature people, cynical people, pranksters, basically a lot of negative people, that's the kind of people they like to be around. Your friends are a reflection of your personality, and quality does matter.
Family is just a lot harder to call because there are way to many variables about why people have or don't have the relationship with their family that they do.
Red Flag # 4: Communication is the key to any good relationship. Communication, however, is worthless without trust. If you're are communicating deeply personal thoughts and feelings (as you would in a serious relationship) and the person you're with tells other people about it, it's a betrayal akin to adultery, in my opinion. If you care and respect a person, you won't be telling everyone their business. You share intimate thoughts with them, and they share their inner most thoughts with you. It's a definite two way street.
Along those lines (sort of back to Flag 2) you shouldn't criticize or, worse, minimize what someone is feeling. What might be a non-issue for you might mean the world for your partner, and if you criticize or minimize what they're feeling, you're hurting them in the worst possible way.
Listening is, of course, a good thing. Sometimes its best to say nothing at all. Often times people just want to vent and will often exaggerate or just get off on a tangent. If you interrupt them, talk over them, or don't let them speak, you trivialize what they're saying and basically communicating that you don't care. Even if you don't care about the situation, really, if you care about the person speaking, it should matter to you because it matters to them.
All right, there's a blog within a blog, but like I said, a lengthy blog calls for a lengthy response. Bottom line, figure out what you want and don't settle for anything less.
Todd, you are so wise. I really appreciate your advice. :)
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