Priscilla's Perspectives

I Waited For This?

2008-09-01T23:08:00.002-04:00

The old adage “good things come to those who wait” definitely came from the mouth of an optimist. Being a pessimist, I have a hard time agreeing with this; my version sounds something like this “good things happen randomly, often with no explanation, to people who don’t have a clue.”

I’ve heard some people say, “What’s better than pleasure itself? The anticipation!” But I believe that sometimes the anticipation is the only satisfaction you’re gonna get. Have you ever waited and waited for something so long, you built it up so much in your mind, that by the time it arrived you’re thinking: that’s it? This is what I waited for?!?!

In contemplating the topic I found an appropriate quote: “If something anticipated arrives too late it finds us numb, wrung out from waiting, and we feel - nothing at all. The best things arrive on time.” ~Dorothy Gilman
Now, there are no absolutes in dealing with things of this nature, so it’s hard for me to agree whole-heartedly with Dorothy. But I will say more often than not, I have felt this way.

Perhaps I’m wrong about what I am, maybe I’m not a pessimist at all if I’m constantly disappointed in the outcomes of things. Maybe I’m a pessimist claiming to be a realist who is really an idealist that refuses to be categorized as an optimist. Okay, that’s way too much self-administered psychoanalysis for one blog (and now I’m more confused than ever!). Or it could be that I blindly hope for the best and that hope breeds the disenchantment that I find at the end of the day.

What is the remedy for disappointment? Any thoughts?

Words

2008-08-18T17:31:00.000-04:00

From as far back as I can remember I wanted to be an author. Growing up I could often be found with my nose in a book whether I was enduring the hour and a half long bus ride to school, alone in my room, or in our make-shift tree house at home on the farm. That’s probably where my interest in writing came from. I loved writing short, fictional stories just to pass the time and was always dreaming of new plots and characters for the next one. Something could catch my attention and I would write it into a story, even if only a page or two. Later, I discovered poetry and by the time I finished college had almost 100 attempts at poetry composed. It was my goal to, one day, publish a book.

I never imagined, however, that the most meaningful words I would ever write would be the ones written in memory of my father. Significant and impossible. How do you express the profound impact someone has had on your life in a few short lines? How do you string together the words to contain all that embodies a person? A person that you’ve know literally your entire life, someone who shaped the very person you have become, that person who had a part in creating you. All words seem trite and incredibly insufficient. But they are the only tools you have. And they will be the words he is remembered by. I didn’t pause to recall my literature training; be verbs and ribbon principles were the furthest thing from my mind at this point. But we worked through the memories and grammar as a family even though eloquence seemed lost in the fragmented stories.

As I recall my aspiration of writing a book I realize that the notion itself is like a story. A story that was heard so long ago that the memory is faded and the ending forgotten. It’s likely that the childhood fantasy I kindled will never ignite into any action. The last honest desire to write something longer than a blog was way back in my first year of college. Since then I’ve turned into a realist and that optimistic adolescent has become jaded, less creative and more analytical. And in that journey I am able to embrace the fact that a novel pales in comparison to the eulogy that will live on in the legacy that is my life. Beyond the words, through what my father’s left behind, I hope it is a worthy story that my life will make.

Give.Live.Love.

2006-11-05T03:20:00.000-05:00

To give genuinely exposes you to the threat of being taken advantage of. Sharing what you have takes sacrifice to an extent that is risky. There is no guarantee what the outcome will be. There may not even ever be an outcome at all. It's all so sketchy. But that shouldn't stop you from giving. You could get hit by a truck on I-4 driving to work in the morning, but that shouldn't stop you from driving to work every day. Results should never dictate our giving.

To be passionate about something leaves you exposed to being rejected and discouraged. There is little worse than the feeling of rejection and failure. All the emotion, the questions, the self doubt, the fear. But does the potential for all those negative things out weigh the benefit of caring? I don't think you can cease to care about anything at all, for the rest of your life. I just don't think that's possible. But I do think its possible to not care enough to act. True love yields action.

To love deeply is allowing yourself to be open to being hurt deeply. The more intense the love, the greater the pain that comes from disappointment. While this is inevitable, knowing that it is only a matter of time before you get hurt, doesn't seem to lessen the injury at all. Disappointment is only a small fraction of what can come from loving. And the bad doesn't hold a candle to the good love offers. It's love that defines us.

Without doing these things you're not really living at all. You're merely existing. Without loving, and caring, and giving, and sharing, you're not living richly. You're just taking up space. So I say:

Give genuinely.
Live passionately.
Love deeply.

Service with a Smile (sort of)

2006-11-04T23:01:00.000-05:00

The question: Why do you find the same faces in service?

This is a question I don't have the answer to. I have some theories, but am pretty sure there has to be more to it than my speculations. Because if only those assumptions were true, we could find a solution to our shortage on selfless actions.

My theories:
1) There is a very small group of people that happen to be passionate about people (that is, people other than themselves). And since that group is small, you see the same people doing all the work in the many different service projects there are.

Aside: "Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it's the only thing that ever has." ~Margaret Mead. Though I believe that quote, I also believe that if you have a small, committed group, after a long enough period of time they will get burnt out. Then there will be no one to take their place. And where will we be?

2) People are too selfish to care. They are satisfied with feeling justified in their supposedly already 'busy' lives by saying there's just not enough time to help. Yet the reason there's no more time is because they spent all their time on themselves, their families, their obligations, their work. Is there a theme here? (here's a clue: count how many times you see "their" above)

3) There are no new projects to help with. Okay, that was sarcasm. People are full of excuses as to why they don't spend time in service. But why does anyone feel the need to excuse their actions? Most of the time excuses are used is when something wrong was done.

Assuming these theories were true, you would think we could use them to create a better situation. To overcome a problem you need to understand why there is a problem. The problem in this case is that there are not enough people helping others. And that yields a ton of other problems I don't really want to go into. But I can't understand WHY that problem even exists. There are so many rewards that come with helping others. You feel good about what you've done, they feel good because you've met a need that maybe they couldn't, others are inspired...there are just so many positives. So I just don't get it.

And honestly, I'm sick of guilting individuals into doing things that are good for other people. I'm tired of convincing friends, acquaintances, and strangers to do the right thing. I'm fed up with coercing the richly blessed to sacrifice for the sake of the less fortunate. I'm exhausted at the attempt of doing it all by myself. And I hate the fact that I've mentioned "I" seven times in this paragraph when this issue is not about me at all! It's bigger than me, and its bigger than you.

The Illusion of Importance

2006-10-19T08:16:00.000-04:00

Why is it that we often get so caught up in titles? RN, MBA, Col., JD, PhD, VP, Sgt., CPA, VIP. What is it about these silly little words that matter so much? They define what we do professionally, or our level of education, or accomplishment, or whatever, but they don't define us as a person.

I've come across people who are hesitant to share their job title out of embarrassment; like they've already made up my mind for me that what they do is insignificant. It seems as though that because they don't have a string of letters chasing their name, they aren't valuable to society.

And it's not only that we allow ourselves to be titled but we embrace it, crave it, want to flaunt it. And I don't get it! It could be that we want so badly in life to feel like we're important. We want to make a difference and be recognized for it. And somehow with a title we feel validated. We create an illusion of importance by giving ourselves titles.

Yet titles are just words! You go from one company to another and the same word that commanded respect in one turns out to be the word for the entry level position in the other. It's so pointless to put so much worth on words.

Good-bye Means I'm Glad You're Gone (p)

2006-10-15T15:04:00.000-04:00

Those vapid eyes and rabid lust,
How could I thought to ever trust
A man with words but actions none
Wish I could say that it's been fun.

Manipulation’s an ancient game
Coincidence is, it’s your middle name!
You hide deceit with a charming smile
And ask for me to stay a while.

But I’ve learned my lesson, a time or two
And this is what I know is true:
To stay is pain, to love, insane;
Investing in you will yield no gain.

You can't hurt me if I no longer care
And I think that I am finally there.
So you can call me, write me, insult away
But you are less to me than a forgotten day.

Can a Girl Get a Date?

2006-10-12T12:53:00.000-04:00

Why is it when you send your RSVP with a +1 that it's so hard to find a date? I mean it's easy to find them when there is no reservation required. But for some reason, once you commit to bringing someone other than yourself, that other is nowhere to be found.

It could be me, but like I said, there are plenty of people to hang out with on all these other occasions. It could be the event, but I don't even get that far into the explanation before I'm denied. It could be the timing, October does seem to be a busy month. It could be a million other things that I just don't get.

Maybe its time I admit that it is what it is, and call on my real friends. At least my girlfriends won't get the wrong idea when I invite them...

The Problem with Nice Guys

2006-09-16T19:40:00.000-04:00

In considering the topic of 'nice guys finish last' I came across a veritable gold mine of jaded men writing articles about how nice guys always get the shaft. One article actually asked "if nice guys are what women really want, then why is it that most nice guys are single?" Well, Alec, I've got an answer for you: about 78% of guys would classify themselves as "nice." Reality, on the other hand, is that 10% of those same men are, in fact, nice guys. So, in essence, nice guys (single nice guys, that is) almost don't exist. Just because you claim to be a nice guy, does not necessarily make you a nice guy. Perception and reality are not always in sync.

It is not the fact that someone is a nice guy that is the problem nor is it a deterrent to my feelings. The problem is that most of the supposed nice guys that I've met have some other major character flaw that negates the nice factor. Men are quick to blame their singleness on the fact that women only want to date jerks. But to face the truth, to honestly see what your flaws are, is a much more difficult thing to do. (I'm not suggesting that I'm perfect, I'm certainly not. But I am realistic about it. I know where my deficiencies are and am not looking to blame someone else for them. I'd rather think about fixing them.)

I will admit that I have been attracted to an occasional bad-boy and have dated a jerk or two in my day. But attraction to them is a very different thing than having a relationship with them. Bad boys are alright for a fling and the occasional adventure, but that's about it. For a real relationship I do want a nice guy. But a nice guy that fits what I'm looking for.

Also, in my reading I found the statement, "men realize that most women generally don't know what they want from us." Maybe nine years ago when I was in high school I would have been able to agree with this perspective. But now I can say that that is a bunch of crap. Of course, I can only speak from my own perspective, and this attempted shift of blame is ridiculous. I personally know exactly what I'm looking for in a man, and I certainly know what I want from him.

I guess what I’m trying to say in all of this is that I don’t believe the whole nice guys finish last myth.

A Lesson Learned

2006-09-07T11:28:00.000-04:00

4 hours and 80 miles later I was no closer to where I wanted to be. In fact, I was further from it than I’d been in a long time. I was insulted, exhausted, angry that I had wasted time and money, irritated that all my good intentions and attempts were in vain, and pissed that the only one who could see it that way was me. (I’m not going to go into ranting details of my adventure, not to protect the innocent, but to spare my readers.) I’ve resigned myself to admitting that it’s no more than a lesson learned. Thought it’s a hard lesson for me to really get, I think this is finally it.

At work we have accounts called write-offs for different things like bad debt and charity. This allows you to track how the account is trending and use that information to calculate projected numbers. It’s valuable information. I think I am going to start my own write-off accounts. This experience will now be classified as a bad debt write-off. I can revisit this data when contemplating being helpful to this ‘friend’ again. I don’t subscribe to ‘forgive and forget’ because forgetting leaves you vulnerable to the same injury. In time, I’ll forgive. And with even more time, I’ll get even. ;)

I’ve been thinking about it a lot and the only moral of the story I can come up with is that I need to stop going out of my way for people who don’t appreciate it. So my question, is appreciation really too much to ask when you do something nice for someone else? Am I unrealistically demanding?

With all the lessons I’m learning these days I’m going to be a fountain of knowledge some day soon.

The Fray had it right when they sang, “where did I go wrong, I lost a friend somewhere along in the bitterness and I would have stayed up with you all night had I known how to save a life.”

Not Alone

2006-08-22T16:10:00.000-04:00

It’s amazing; I actually woke up in time to run the Celebration of Running 5K on Sunday. I know it’s hard to believe. But I’m glad I did, it was a perfect day for it. It was almost cool (for FL this time of year anyway), and hardly humid at all. There were about 1,650 of us running/walking in this event, but it was two people at the end of the race that made a difference to me.

Most of the time I try to encourage co-workers and friends to walk or run these 5K’s with me. It’s more fun to see familiar faces along the way. So after I finished the 3 mile jaunt, I sat near the finish line to see if the regulars from my office actually made it out. I never saw anyone from work but it was at about the 55 min. mark when two people came trotting around the last corner. It was a young boy, maybe ten years old or so, and what looked like his mom. They were both tired but as the mom ran up behind her son she encouraged him by saying ‘almost done, we’ll finish together.’ He smiled as she took his hand and they ran the last few hundred yards side by side.

I don’t know why that made such a difference to me, but it did. Maybe it’s because I watched one too many Nooma videos Friday night or maybe it’s because I understand how it feels to be where that boy was. It seems like a long, hot race, so many people have finished ahead of you; you’re tired and sore and just want to be done. Then you are encouraged by someone near you and you realize you’re not alone.

It reminded me of the Christian song that has a bridge with these words: ‘and even though I feel so lonely, like I have never been before, You never said it would be easy, You only said I’d never go alone.’

It’s nice to feel inspired and encouraged every now and then. It allows you to have a reference to come back to when everything else is crappy.

That’s all I really have to say about that.

Compliment or Complete?

2006-08-19T08:56:00.000-04:00

Maybe it’s about semantics or maybe perception. None the less, it’s an issue that’s debated. I don’t know if it matters all that much but I had a conversation with someone a few months back on this topic that ended up changing our relationship.

So the question is (in the relationship sense - where you are ‘more than friends’) are you looking for someone who ‘completes’ you or ‘compliments’ you? Let me expound on that for a second.

By complete I mean the whole “you complete me” Jerry McGuire moment. I mean, there’s a hole in my life that I need you to fill in order to be complete. Complete, as I understand the word to mean, is something that is whole, a project that is done, a thing that lacks nothing. Complete, finished, done, perfect.

Compliment, in this discussion, does not mean expressing praise. It’s more like added value. For example, in a meal the wine compliments the entrée. In compliment, one person brings out the best qualities in the other person.

I’m trying to write this from an objective perspective, but since it’s something I feel strongly about, I believe I have failed. So I’ll just tell you what my take on this topic is. I am independent, I am complete on my own, and I don’t need a man (or woman) to make me ‘perfect.’ I think that saying you, as an individual, are incomplete is kind of an insult and I don’t think God made us incomplete. In the same sense, I don’t think God intended for us to be alone (necessarily, but that’s a different blog altogether). Personally, I'm looking for someone who compliments me. A person who brings out my best qualities and helps improve my worst. I'm looking for a someone who's personality meshes with mine in such a way that allows me to be an individual while encouraging me to grow.

In the past I believed my view to be pretty much what the majority thought. Then I had a conversation with someone that was my age who completely disagreed with me. So now I’m curious to find out what you guys think about this relationship issue. (That means give me feed back!) Even though you know my stance on this, I still want honest input whether it be agreeing, disagreeing or other.

Thanks!

Never argue with a woman who can read

2006-07-31T17:59:00.000-04:00

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." "Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Email!

2006-07-06T22:54:00.000-04:00

So I'm pretty horrible about responding to my hotmail emails. And you know how I can tell? Because I had emails in there that I hadn't responded to from early 2004! But let me explain, I generally don't delete emails until I've responded to them. That way I know who I have to get back to and don't forget what they said etc. Unless its just a fwd, a hate-mail email, or full of trivial stuff I don't need to respond to anyway.

I'm surprised people still email me at all. But since I had nothing to do tonight (since no one invited me to go see Superman...no I'm not bitter-as long as it was really a date ;), I actually sorted through the 104 emails I had sitting there. Well, I managed to narrow it down to 49 (basically deleting everything irrelevant from 2004 and most of 2005). Because lets be honest, who's going to remember an email they wrote 2 years ago? Anyway, I think that's progress.

What I wanted you guys to know, though, is that if you've emailed me and are still waiting for a reply...that day could be just around the corner. Don't give up on me!

And I think I'll try to blog more too. But we'll see about that one.

INVISIBLE CHILDREN

2006-04-23T09:54:00.000-04:00

MOVIE: how it all began. Can a story change the world? In the spring of 2003, three young Americans traveled to Africa in search of such a story. What they found was a tragedy that disgusted and inspired them. A story where children are the weapons, and children are the victims. The Invisible Children: rough cut film exposes the effects of a 20 year-long war on the children of Northern Uganda. Children who live in fear of abduction by rebel soldiers, and are being forced to fight as part of a violent army. This wonderfully reckless documentary is fast paced, with an MTV beat, and is something truly unique. To see Africa through young eyes is humorous and heart breaking, quick and informative - all in the very same breath. See this film, you will be forever changed. (I have a copy if you want to borrow it)

MOVEMENT: how it involves you. After people viewed the movie the one question repeatedly asked was, what can we do? And so a non-profit was born from a film. The Movement is the awareness, mobilization, and fundraising effort taking place throughout America and other countries around the world by people who are inspired to act. The goal of "the Movement" is to empower the individual viewer to become a part of the story, and "be the change they wish to see in the world" through action.

GLOBAL NIGHT COMMUTE: April 29 @7:00 pm. We are spending the night in Trotters Park, downtown Orlando as a statement to our government and the world. Americans are closing their eyes to open the worlds to an unseen war. By lying down, we are joining the invisible children in northern Uganda, and demanding that our government put an end to the longest running war in Africa, and on of the worst crises in the world today. (Please contact me if you want more details on GNC)

MISSION: how we are creating change. The Mission is the ultimate goal of Invisible Children. It is the resources, skill, and funds that hit the ground in Uganda. These resources will provide health, safety and education for the children of Northern Uganda who are affected by this 20 year-long war. It is our belief that we need to live for more, because the invisible children need more to live.

For more information: www.invisiblechildren.com

“You give but little when you give of your possessions. It is when you give of yourself that you truly give.” ~Kahlil Gibran

“Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” ~James 1:27

I Used to Play

2006-04-11T13:31:00.000-04:00

I played French horn for about 13 years. But since I moved to Orlando I’ve only touched it a few times. Even in my 2 years in Missouri I didn’t play a whole lot, so it’s been around 4.5 years since I've played at all. Someone asked me a few months ago why I don’t play anymore. My excuse was that I don’t have a consistent and convenient place to practice. And this area isn’t exactly a booming classical music metropolis; it’s the house of the mouse. So it’s hard to find groups to perform with that don’t already have professionals filling the brass sections.

But that’s all those really are, excuses. Because if the saying is true, that we make time for the things that are most important to us, then I should still be playing. I would find somewhere to practice; I would form my own ensemble if I had to. I’ve done it before.

I mentioned before my list of goals for this year and making music a bigger part of my life is one of them. (I mean besides the easy music like singing in my car, going to concerts, and being part of the church choir.) So, with no valid excuses, I got my horn fixed last week and practiced at the church for the first time in a long time last night. I was surprised to find that I still have a pretty good range, no endurance or accuracy though. I have a long way to go to get back in shape and need to do some recruiting. All in good time though.

Florida Flakes

2006-04-09T22:59:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I probably shouldn't say just because people are from/live in Florida that they are flakes (because that's not true). But I will say that compared to all the other places I've lived, Florida has the highest percentage of people with no follow through. Now, this could be due to a lot of different factors: age, personalities, quantity of friends and events, the culture, etc.

I don't think the point is why is this happens so frequently, but rather how can this be changed? Well, I'm gonna be honest, I don't have an answer to that. So, I guess what this blog is really about is venting. People are flakes these days and it's pissing me off. I'm totally sick of it! If you say you'll do something, do it. If you commit to something, stick with it. That's really not so hard, I do it all the time. Yes, I understand when things happen and you can't follow through with what you said you'd do, there are always exceptions. And I have dropped the ball on several occasions. But there comes a point when excuses add up; excuses become habit and habit becomes characteristic. I really don't want to associate with people who have lip-service-only characteristics.

There are several people here that I can really trust, who's words are as good as gold, who's actions support their words. And I value those friendships so much. So, maybe it's good in a way. It shows you who is intentional about being in a relationship with you, shows you who are real friends.

I'm not writing this as a pointed rant directed at an individual for a specific incident (so I don't want anyone getting bent out of shape thinking I'm talking about them - don't make me start singing 'you're so vain, you probably think this blog is about you...'). Like I said, its a venting blog and something I've been thinking about for a while. I don't understand the whishy-washy mentality and probably never will.

That is all.

Destination: Dominican Republic

2006-03-22T15:48:00.000-05:00

Where we went:
The Dominican Republic, Cielo and Nasarett, two communities near Santo Domingo.

Why we went:
It was our mission: Vaya y amo à Go and love. We went to love and serve, to build relationships and concrete floors.

When the trip took place:
March 11 through 17, 2006.

Who went:
Twenty volunteers from Status, a non denominational church that meets Sun. evenings in downtown Orlando. (You should check it out sometime: www.whatsyourstatus.com)

What we did:
It’s really all about people. Our main focus on this trip was to build relationships with the community in the Dominican Republic. We spent a lot of time in the villages surrounding Cielo just getting to know people, playing with kids, praying with families, showing them that we really loved them. A different community we shared our time with was the leper colony in Nasarett. Here we visited with the residents, helped them celebrate their birthdays with singing and cake; we comforted them and loved them.

A different product of our desire to build meaningful relationships was doing some manual labor. The second day in Cielo we put a floor down in a small two bedroom house that had a little bathroom, kitchen, living area and porch. We spent all morning and most of the afternoon mixing and hauling buckets of cement down a hill and into the house. Previously, the family of four had been living in one single room all together for five years because they couldn’t afford to finish the project. The next day we slung buckets of sand, mixed more cement, and laid down a floor in the new youth center. In efforts to make the community a better place, Mission Emanuel had built this structure to encourage young people to socialize in positive ways. The floor we helped construct would support the weight room for the young men to utilize. (For more information on the amazing work Mission Emanuel has done go here: www.missionemanuel.org)

There are several other things we did on our trip, like helping children in the private school write Easter cards to their sponsors. Some people scraped paint off walls in a classroom while others painted murals on playground walls. A few of us spent time helping out in the pediatric clinic housed in the Mission Emanuel school building. Others helped prepare meals every day. I could tell stories that would be pages long, but I won’t (for now…).

No matter what the motivation was for each of us to go on this trip, the point is that we went to serve. And I’m not saying this as a credit to our character or to boast about our abilities because it’s all a result of God’s greater love that we are able to love at all.

Mission Minded

2006-03-21T11:48:00.000-05:00

I was moved to go. Generally, I’m not an impulsive person, but I was moved.

Some indicators in life are so vague you’re not even sure they were indicators at all. Like when I moved to Florida almost 3 years ago. I didn’t know if it was the right thing to do, if I should have stayed in Missouri instead, if God was intentionally being silent, or what. It wasn’t clear to me.

And then there are times when you just know its right. Like a month ago when I went to church and heard an announcement that there was a mission trip heading down to the Dominican Republic. I knew I had to go. On of the main reasons I felt this way is because I've been sponsoring a child there for almost 6 years. When they made the announcement that night I thought it would be a good chance to go down and meet him. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind. I picked up an application that night and by the end of the week had it turned in and was committed to the cause. I didn’t know a single person going on the trip. There was only a month to find funding. I hadn’t accumulated enough PDO to cover my time off work. There were a million other excuses I could have used to talk myself out of the mission trip. But God has plans bigger than our excuses.

As it turns out, we would be serving in the community around Santo Domingo. My sponsor child was in Santiago, 2.5 hours away. I didn’t end up going to see him on this trip. (It wasn’t right to detract from the purpose of the mission trip in order to fulfill my own desire.) But it’s interesting how God uses things that motivate us for the purpose of something larger than ourselves. I think if the group would have been going to any other country, I wouldn’t have gone or given it a second thought. (I already had plans to go to Russia and Africa later in the year.)

But we went to the Dominican Republic. We went to serve. We went to love.

Friendships

2006-02-03T18:06:00.000-05:00

In my many years of life I have come to the unfortunate realization that people are rarely what they seem. Ok, so it could be me. I could set expectations unrealistically high so I will always be disappointed, no matter how great of a person they really are. But I don’t think that’s it. I think there are a lot of factors that misconstrue my perceptions but that will have to be a separate blog.

I’ve had the “opportunity” recently to phase out, if you will, a few of my so called friends. It’s always a painful process; I consider my friends very valuable and hate to lose any. But time changes things. Some friends just drift out of touch; others act in ways that show their true character, and some change into people you no longer know.

One friend I had for a very long time and I knew their tendencies all along. But our relationship got to the point of exasperation when I was able to step back and see what a drain it was on me. (A friendship should be something both parties contribute to equally.) They were just so needy and consuming. When it was convenient for them they wanted to hang out with me, but only when it was convenient. The rest of the time was commitment to activities with no follow through, and frankly, that gets old real quick. With blatant disregard for my well being, they pursued their own ambitions. And there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with that, except that that is not what a friend of mine would do. So I do not call that person a friend anymore.

Another friend I’ve only known for a short time. Length of time is not as good of measure when you consider quality of time spent and the quantity of time shared. But it was among a convoluted web of miscommunications that our friendship spun off into almost nothingness. Acquaintance is a better word for us now. Some experiences change perceptions beyond repair.

A different long-time friend decided to phase me out of their life. Looking back on our years together it makes me sad. And it makes me wonder if I could have done something differently. Are we really that different now or do we just not care as much? I considered us great friends but as time continued, we communicated less and eventually had no idea what was going on in the other’s life. Maybe it wasn’t intentional but it’s changed who we are to each other.

Like I said before, losing a friend is not ideal. So what’s to blame? I’d say time changes people and what once drew you together in friendship can get lost with time. Also, you need to consider your state of being within a friendship. If it brings you down more than lifts you up, that is a good sign that you are not really in a friendship. You have to be intentional in your friendships. They take work and interest and honesty.

Sculptures (p)

2006-02-02T16:29:00.000-05:00

Sculptures
03.29.2000

Why does everyone wish to change me, do I look like a lump of clay?

A formless piece of something cold to sculpt and mold away?

Why can’t I just be left alone to wallow in this selfish state?

You’ve shown that the person in me is the person that I hate.

So as you gaze upon me, your perfect piece of art;

Consider that I’m not yours if you don’t own my heart.

Red Flags

2006-02-01T17:16:00.000-05:00

Ah, dating, what fun! Ok, not so much. But with every failed relationship comes some understanding and enlightenment (I mean besides the frustration and tears…). Here are some red flags I’ve come to recognize in my joyous journey of dating:

Red Flag # 1

Emphasis on physical appearance -> superficial. I am not saying there is no value in having good chemistry with someone. It’s important to feel attraction to the person you are with but I think that is a much less vital component than so many other things.

Red Flag # 2

Criticism. In and of itself is not a bad thing. But it’s good to be aware that criticism may be the tip of the iceberg. I’ve heard a common stereotype that women often want a man they can ‘fix up,’ that because of our nature we are compelled to change the one we are with. But I don’t think it should be limited by gender. Lately I’ve picked up on not-so-subtle hints form the opposite sex, on numerous occasions, alluding to the idea that I need to change something about myself. Whether it’s a physical modification, emotional, or even beliefs, I find it irritating. I am well aware that I am far from perfect, but I don’t need a man who will nit-pick at my flaws, to point them out and rub them in my face. Or even one who expresses their preferences as if I’m supposed to change who I am to fit their mold. What ever happened to acceptance?

Red Flag # 3

Friends and family. If all his friends are like seven years younger than him, there might be a reason for it. It could be simply his environment or maybe it’s something different, like the fact that he’s immature. Family relations are significant as well. I’m close to my family and value them, so it’s not a good sign when a guy I’m dating has no relationship (or an unhealthy relationship) with his family. This is a hard one to call because there are so many other factors that play into ones history.

Red Flag # 4

Listening and respecting. I suppose these could be two separate essays alone but for the purpose of this blog they’ll be lumped together. Maybe I should just say communication, it’s so important in a relationship (any relationship). And there’s little worse than feeling like you aren’t being listened to. Respect goes hand in hand with this. You can’t respect someone’s wishes if you aren’t listening to what they are. If you feel like you aren’t being listened to, you communicate your feelings and there is no change of behavior on your partner’s part, red flag.

Now, I’ve got a lot more flags than this, but these are the handful that have been on my mind lately. What it comes down to is compatibility. And like I’ve said before, I’m not content to settle for less.

More Guilt, Please

2006-01-17T17:53:00.000-05:00

An email made its way into my inbox the other day that talked about how so many awful things happen in this world and how it’s because we’ve asked God to step out, and then we wonder why things are so bad. It went on to say other things like ‘we reap what we sow’ and threw out some other guilt-ridden tactics in attempts to get me to forward the email to everyone in my address book. It ended with a foreboding statement to the effect of ‘if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in.’

I say forwarding an email is not going to change the world. I say getting off your ass just might. I say quit feigning interest and start sincerely caring! There’s a song that says ‘you’re not affected by the truth unless it’s on your doorstep.’ And I think that’s true for a lot of people. But that doesn’t make it ok, ignorance is not bliss. In this case it’s just selfish.

Maybe it’s just me but I don’t need guilt from an email for me to want to change the world. I just wake up in the morning.

Pass the Salsa!

2006-01-06T15:30:00.000-05:00

First of all I want to say, it’s not a new years resolution.

One of the things I would like to do differently this year is to break out of my shell more. What I mean is, it’s easy for me to get stuck in a routine, doing the same things with the same group of people, sticking with things I like to do and feel safe doing. So I plan to do something that I wouldn’t normally do at least once a month. Do something that puts me out of my comfort zone and opens up opportunities for me to learn. I don’t really have a good list of what that will look like yet (I’m open to suggestions). Anyway, I did have one chance to be uncomfortable this year already.

The other night a friend of mine from work asked me to go salsa dancing (it was a last minute kinda thing). Those of you who know me are aware that I love to swing dance (for about the last 3 years, on and off). Now, knowing swing and learning salsa is something I’m having a hard time putting into words. There’s a good and bad to this: Good – once you know one type of dance, learning a new one is easier. You have the rhythm thing down and have (hopefully) grasped the basic idea of dancing in general. Bad – there is no standard. The only similarities between swing and salsa are that 1) there’s music playing and 2) you’re moving to it. Pretty much everything I learned in swing threw me off from what I was supposed to be doing with this new type of dance.

I really did have a great time despite my inadequacies, and will probably go again.

What my experience has taught me:
Sometimes you have to forget what you’ve learned in order to know what you’re doing. A good teacher is very valuable.
Shaking my hips is not easy. :)

Resolutions

2006-01-05T13:24:00.000-05:00

New Year’s resolutions: I resolve to make no resolutions. (since I am perfect, after all…)

Ok, so that’s not remotely true. But I really don’t believe in making new years resolutions any more. I think that if you become aware of things that need to change in your life you shouldn’t wait until January to make it happen.

I’m not saying I’m opposed to improving yourself. In fact, I have a whole list of things I would like to change about myself/my behavior. (It’s becoming a long list because I am not in fact perfect, but I won’t bore you with the details.)

It just seems like another game we play with ourselves. Yes, this year will be different; I’ll exercise 3 times a week and eat fruits and veggies every day. Two weeks later it’s back to the all-sugar diet. Plus, when you set far-out goals like that and then don’t meet them, it’s hard on your self esteem. No, I’m not saying not to have any goals. I just think having new years resolutions have more negative effects than good ones.

What do you think? Have you made resolutions for 2006?

Such Great Heights

2006-01-04T11:07:00.000-05:00

I’m not a hopeless romantic like I used to be. In fact, these days I claim to be more of a realist (logical and analytical as my profession encourages). But when I heard this song I was taken back to the days when I truly believed in love at first sight and soul mates. It is such a moving song that I wanted to share it.

"Such Great Heights"
The Postal Service

I am thinking it's a sign that the freckles
In our eyes are mirror images and when
We kiss they're perfectly aligned
And I have to speculate that God himself
Did make us into corresponding shapes like
Puzzle pieces from the clay
And true, it may seem like a stretch, but
Its thoughts like this that catch my troubled
Head when you're away when I am missing you to death
When you are out there on the road for
Several weeks of shows and when you scan
The radio, I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,'but we'll stay...

I tried my best to leave this all on your
Machine but the persistent beat it sounded
Thin upon listeningAnd that frankly will not fly. You will hear
The shrillest highs and lowest lows with
The windows down when this is guiding you home

They will see us waving from such great
Heights, 'come down now,' they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away,
'come down now,' but we'll stay...

Relationships

2005-12-12T18:29:00.000-05:00

I got this in an email today:

“Remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other.” ~the Dalai Lama

Maybe that's my problem. They say don't look for someone you can live with (to marry) but find someone you can't live without. The problem is that I'm independent enough that I can live without everyone. (Side note: I like having close friends and family; I acknowledge and appreciate what they do in my life).

So it’s not the need that should be emphasized but love. And it’s love that should come first. Maybe there is hope for me, if only I could figure the whole love thing out…

What do you guys (by guys I mean everyone who reads this) think about this quote and the theory about finding someone you can't live without?

Favorite Quotes

2005-12-09T12:40:00.000-05:00

“Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can.”
~ John Wesley

The fullness of life consists of light and shadows and the movement between the two.

One does not arrive at happiness. Sometimes, the moment you change your perspective, you are already there.

“Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.”
~ Rabbi Julius Gordon

“It's not doing the things we like to do, but liking the things we have to do that makes life blessed.”
~Goethe

Friendship enfolds the solitary soul into the world’s larger embrace.

“Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. When your faith is tested, your endurance has an opportunity to grow.”
~James 1:2-4

“A true friend is the greatest of all blessings, and that which we take the least care of all to acquire.”
~Francois de La Rochefoucauld

“Man’s abiding happiness is not in getting anything but in giving himself up to what is greater than himself, to ideas which are larger than his individual life, the idea of this country, of humanity, of God.”
~Rabindranath Tagore

Spirit of the Season

2005-12-07T12:33:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of the season I would like to express some thanks. There are a lot of people in my life but I want to highlight a few who have made a difference to me recently.

Thank you:

Ben, for your unique perspectives.
Bryce, for being an example in perseverance.
Carl, for your encouragement.
Daniel H., for being fearless with your service.
Danny H., for the vigor you have for life.
Daylan, for your openness to change.
Debbie, for your helpful nature.
Eric L., for your advice.
Erika, for your sincerity.
Heather, for your thoughtfulness.
James, for caring about people, all people.
Jodie, for being an example in compassion.
Karen, for your pleasantly placed humor.
Keith, for really caring about me and showing it.
Lydia, for your vibrant personality.
Matt, for being enthusiastic about so many things.
Phil, for your passion about what’s important.
Rossitza, for always having a positive attitude.
Ryan T., for being bold in your mission.
Shae, for your honesty and for being a true friend.
Susan, for your ability to perceive the needs of others.
Todd, for really listening and for the time you share.
Tony, for your bold inspiration.
Tyler, for being a great example in dedication.
Virguinia, for your discerning spirit.

Thank you for all those reasons and more. I appreciate the positive difference you made in my life (as well as others). And I hope that from your example I can make a difference to someone else.

Melancholy Me

2005-12-03T20:09:00.000-05:00

I’m melancholy. Or so I’ve been told. I suppose I see that, but I kinda resent it at the same time. Depression is not something that is common for me anymore, and I would not describe myself as a gloomy person in general. Of course there are those moments, we all have them. (like right now for example…tho there is no specific reason why)

I agree with the part of the definition that says I am pensive and contemplative. I tend to internalize a lot of my emotions and thoughts. It’s just a personality thing I think. Maybe partially something I’ve trained myself to do as well. Part defense mechanism and partly a test.

By test I mean that most ppl these days are only casually interested in other ppl. To avoid fake friendships, that do me no good, I have the tendency to withhold information about myself. However, if I feel someone is genuinely interested in getting to know me, for who I am, then I’m totally open. I don’t really subscribe to that whole passing “how are you doing today” crap. If you don’t care, don’t ask. If you don’t have time to listen, then don’t bother.

Anyway, I’m aware that this attitude is not always a good thing, but that’s just how it is. And that, my friends, is my rant for the evening.

What God Has Promised

2005-11-29T20:43:00.000-05:00

God has not promised skies always blue
Flower strewn pathways all our lives through;

God has not promised sun without rain,
Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

God has not promised we shall not know
Toil and temptation, trouble and woe;

He has not told us we shall not bear
Many a burden, many a care.

But God has promised strength for the day,
Rest for the laborer, light for the way,

Grace for the trials, help from above,
Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

* I didn't write this one, but I think it has a good message and is something I need to be reminded of.

Simple Acts

2005-11-23T12:34:00.000-05:00

It was another late night, kinda the trend these days. The elevators are faster when no one’s around, for some strange reason, so that’s always nice. The parking garage is empty too, which means I don’t have to follow patients going 5 mph (yes it’s the posted speed but seriously), which also means I get home faster. I-4 is usually more sparse that late too (less stupid ppl on the road = less road rage).

Anyway, so it was late, I was happy to be leaving and in a hurry to get home to the pup. A guy gets off the elevator a little bit after I got off mine. He was far enough back that I had to pause for a moment to hold the door for him. I almost didn’t, partly bc I didn’t really care and partly bc I was in a hurry to go home and do nothing. But I did, and it wasn’t that big of deal. Until he said, “thanks, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s done for me all day.”

Then I felt like an idiot. This 2 second sacrifice I made had made a difference to someone else. How silly of me to second guess taking time to help someone. And stupid that I am afraid to go further with it than that. At that point I did care. I wanted him to have a better day because I know what crappy days are like. I think I said something like “Awwww, that’s too bad. But you’re going home now!” I should have cared more, asked questions maybe. I’m just afraid of interfering in ppls lives when they don’t want me there. Which is stupid. Because if they didn’t want me there then they’d tell me and I would know.

I want to be more like a guy I know at church. He serves with reckless abandon. He will go the extra mile because he sees a need and he can do something. Its so lame that fear is the reason I don’t do more, to make a difference. I’m not quite sure how to get past it though.

4-leaf clover

2005-11-22T18:45:00.000-05:00

Looking for a four-leaf clover is a lot like searching for the right guy. You know what you are looking for, there are lots of opportunities, but you aren’t entirely convinced that they exist.

I’ve been dating for a good 10 years now and have been able to narrow down what qualities I am looking for. The problem is no longer determining what I want, but actually finding what I want. I should say, finding what I think I want because that tends to change over time.

Maybe “Mr. Right” doesn’t exist for me. Maybe I had my chance and passed him up. Maybe I’ve become too picky (in my fear of making the wrong choice or simply “settling”) that if I knew him now I would reason him away. It could really be any number of things but no conclusion can be drawn from this speculation.

It’s discouraging. Especially when I find a guy who seems really great. One that on paper, and in my head, would be a perfect match. Unfortunately, things aren’t always what they seem. And I am sick of thinking about this already.

Lost But Not Forgotten

2005-10-26T22:29:00.000-04:00

Assaulted by water. Tormented by wind. Lost in the emptiness. Nothing was left untouched and nothing would ever be the same.

It’s beautiful living in the balmy climate of the southern gulf states, but it has its price. We get the gorgeous sunshine in the summer accompanied by the 100% humidity. We also enjoy mild winters that scarcely drop below 45 degrees. But with that comes the hurricanes. Mid fall to early spring you can be sure that we break out the plywood window "decorations," stock up on generator fuel, and hope that the inevitable tropical depressions don’t pick up speed and make landfall. But it’s only a matter of time until they do. So you pray for the best and prepare for the worst.

The worst this year hit northwest of my hometown of Orlando. It was a category four by the time it ripped through Louisiana and Mississippi. Katrina played no favorites while she unleashed her fury on million dollar mansions and trailer homes alike. All that was left to do was try to pick up the pieces of what was left. But with a catastrophe like that you can’t do it alone. Having gone through three terrible hurricanes last year I had great sympathy for our neighboring states. I could understand the inconveniences, the uncertainties of what would happen next, the helplessness of having no control. So I joined a group of about 50 young people who wanted to change the world and we headed north. After a ten-hour bus ride it was evident that I had no idea what the residents of Waveland and the surrounding areas were going through. Empty, abandoned, almost forgotten. These people literally had nothing left. But we came with the intent to make a difference; we came with purpose, with a mission, with buckets and gloves. So we put them to use.

The first day my group (and others from all over the country) disbursed into the community to do what we could wherever there was a need. You didn’t have to go far to find that. Pearlington was where we started. All day we hauled chopped up trees and branches. We gutted houses since they were a rotting mess inside. The floodwaters were so high that nothing in the houses was spared. We carried garbage and made piles for our FEMA friends to cart away. The yards of three houses were cleared that day. Tears of thankfulness saw us off. The small town thought they had been forgotten. They weren’t, we just had to find them.

The second day we worked at the distribution site in Waveland. We took turns passing out essentials like food, water, ice, cleaning and hygiene supplies, and baby products. A team prepared a hot meal for anyone who needed it. Some in our group even offered entertainment to the waiting people through praise songs. We listened to sad stories, we prayed with them, cried with them, and offered them what we could - hope and encouragement.

I’m not sharing this story with you to brag about my abilities, because I have none. I’m telling you because it’s true. Life is real and it hurts. It only takes an instant to become homeless and only that long to realize how truly rich you are just being alive. So what do you do with that gift you have, that life you have? Do you change the world or just complain about being lost?

Seduction's Song (p)

2005-10-25T08:38:00.000-04:00

Seduction’s Song
07.10.2003

Slowly slide to slumber’s sway

Such sweet submission to obey.

With weighted whispers wafting by

When wantings weave the reasons why.

My mind might miss intentions mild

A motion mocking movements wild.

Where one’s will weakens in the end

While wisdom waits to wonder when.

The shame that shifts the shy to shine

And shows the shallow bottom-line.

But lingering fingers lift little guilt

Like laughter’s lulling, innocent lilt.

Flowers and Broken Flowers

2005-10-04T12:59:00.000-04:00

Buying flowers for yourself is not nearly as fulfilling as getting flowers from someone who cares about you. Unfortunately, when you are having a really crappy week and you’re fairly certain no one else is going to get them for you, what other option is there? Okay, so I was having a really crappy week and I did pick a perfectly pretty pink plumage of Publix "premium" plants. I needed some cheering up and figured it would help. It didn’t, really. It just made me think that I wish someone would buy me flowers so I wouldn’t have to. But its not even really about the flowers. Its about having someone to cheer me up, to listen to me whine and not think I’m being stupid bc I’m unhappy, or just to have someone around that is willing to go out of their way to make me feel special. The bouquet did however draw a suspicious line of questioning "who are those from?" MYSELF! Cuz I’m the only one who thinks I’m special….Ok, I’m annoying even myself with this trail of words. I don’t blog to whine, that’s not the point of this, so I’ll stop.

On a largely unrelated note, I saw Broken Flowers this weekend. Overall, a strange movie with an ending that leaves you less than satisfied. But it had some funny parts, a few sad parts, a couple of dirty parts. It was real life tho, you meet all kinds of weird people in your life, you take a journey, you take chances, you regret, you learn. I would recommend seeing it because the story gets you interested and keeps you guessing. So does the ending.